Leaving the House: With Kids vs. Without

Remember those pre-kid days, when leaving the house took less than five minutes? It’s kind of hazy, but I think it went something like this:

• Look in the mirror. Fix face/hair if necessary.
• Grab keys and purse.
• Exit the house.

And then you throw kids in the mix. I wish this post was an exaggeration but this is actually exactly what went down when I tried to go grocery shopping today:

• Say, “Okay kids, we’re going to the store”.
• Listen to preschooler whine and complain as you attempt to convince him it’ll be great fun.
• Realize you have forgotten to make your shopping list.**
• Sit down and make shopping list while preschooler is happily washing one train in a small stream of water from the sink in the bathroom.
• See baby wander by with soaking wet hair.
• Go to bathroom to investigate how that happened.
• Find preschooler filling up a watering can (who knows where he found it) and pouring it everywhere.
• Remove preschooler from bathroom.
• Dry floor and counter.
• Remove wet clothes from preschooler.
• Finish making shopping list.
• Breastfeed crying baby.
• Get toddler re-dressed.
• Put shoes on baby.
• Run upstairs to grab preschooler socks.
• Come back down to see baby has removed shoes.
• Put shoes & socks on preschooler.
• Put shoes back on baby.
• Realize baby has pooped.
• Change baby.
• Discover preschooler has drawn on wall with crayon.
• Put preschooler in time out.
• Google ‘how to remove crayon from wall’.
• Get preschooler out of time out.
• Try to keep preschooler from touching the wall while you smear mayonnaise on the crayon marks.
• Realize you have not gotten yourself ready.
• Go upstairs and put on deodorant.
• Bring makeup downstairs to supervise the mischief makers while you apply it to your face.
• Stop applying make up to prevent baby from sticking his hands in the toilet.
• Stop preschooler from touching the mayonnaise on the wall.
• Resume makeup application.
• Apply more mayonnaise to the wall when preschooler points out the OTHER section that he drew on that you didn’t know about.
• Remove plunger from baby’s hands.
• Finish makeup application.
• Wipe mayonnaise off wall. (hey, it worked!)
• Suggest preschooler goes potty before leaving.
• Insist preschooler goes potty.
• Physically force preschooler to go potty.
• Realize it is now lunch time.
• Feed each child a cereal bar and hope for the best.
• Place children by door.
• Remove dog food bowl from baby’s hands, put it on the ottoman.
• Fish dog food out of baby’s mouth.
• Search for your own shoes.
• Watch as baby tips dog food bowl (apparently the ottoman is not out of reach) and spills it on the floor.
• Decide dog food on the floor doesn’t matter.
• Put your shoes on.
• Put coats on both children.
• Put children by the door.
• Grab purse.
• Realize you don’t have keys.
• Search for keys. 
• Hear baby crying. Remove hammer from his hands. (I wish I was making this up).
• Find keys.
• Leave house.

**Why did I stop to make a shopping list, you ask? Because shopping without children involves slowly wandering the aisles and thinking with a clear head about what you may or may not need.

Shopping WITH children involves rushing as fast as you can to complete the task before melt down, stuffing snacks in children’s mouths, stopping constantly to pick up items from the floor that have been thrown out of the cart, threatening that if that one hits the other one ONE MORE TIME there will be NO COOKIE and basically everything EXCEPT clear headed thinking. The particular shopping trip I was preparing for above? I made a list and still came home without 4 of the key items on it, because CHILDREN.

 

---

This post has been linked up with some other awesome blogs here: