I have googled a whole lot of things over the course of my life, but never as much as after I had kids.
I have found great advice on all sorts of topics, such as:
“How long can a baby go without pooping?”
“Is my baby pooping too much?”
“Why is my baby’s poop the colour of mustard?”
I’ve also found many stinking, steaming piles of LIES including the following:
Appropriate Chores For Each Age Group
This article listed some handy tips for 3 year olds to help out at home. It suggested my son was old enough to put away his own clothes.
Nope.
Encourage Kids to Eat by Telling Them Their Food Is Something Fun
Examples include calling broccoli ‘trees’ or making a gravy ‘river’ on your mashed potato ‘mountain’. This works great, if you want your children to refer to things by the wrong name and still not eat them. My son just started screaming, “I HATE TREES” when I tried that with his broccoli.
Kids Will Eat Anything If You Turn It Into A Wrap
This one is partly true. My kid will eat anything in a wrap… assuming it’s something that he would also eat outside of a wrap. If not, he’ll just unwrap it and remove anything offensive, such as whatever isn’t classified as cheese or meat.
Allowing Your Toddler Choices Over Little Things Gives Them a Sense of Control & Prevents Tantrums
Though I do think this is sound advice, this is how it played out in my house:
Me: Would you like to wear the blue shirt or the red one?
Toddler: NOT THE BLUE ONE OR THE RED ONE. I DON’T WANT ANY ONES EVER!
So we’ll call that a fail, then.
Make Daily Tasks Into Fun Games to Encourage Cooperation
I tried racing him to the car, and that had him laying down on the ground screaming that he “can’t run good”, so thanks, Internet, but no.
Don’t Fight Over Teeth Brushing. Get Your Toddler to ‘Fight the Sugar Bugs’
Me: Ok, open wide, let me clean out all those sugar bugs!
Toddler: The sugar bugs jumped out of my mouth and ran downstairs so we don’t need to brush them out.
(insert enforced teethbrushing screamfest here)
Don’t Be So Negative – Adjust Your Phrasing!
This trick encourages use of positive phrases for instruction, such as saying, ‘Walking feet only!’ instead of ‘No running’. This is great in theory, except it usually plays out like this:
“Walking feet only love, we’re inside!”
(two seconds later)
“Remeber walking feet, right? We don’t want to run over the other kids.”
(two more seconds later)
“HEY – walking feet, please.”
(immediately after)
“STOP RUNNING OR ELSE YOU WILL BE IN TIMEOUT UNTIL YOU ARE 25!”
Go Over Rules and Expectations of Behaviour BEFORE Arriving at Your Destination
Great idea, right? Kids are better able to take in your directions in a calm, familiar environment, rather than when they are overwhelmed by excitement and stimulation.
Except not.
At home: Okay buddy, we’re going to head to the library now. Remember we use our walking feet and inside voices!
Outside the library: Okay buddy, we’re at the library now. Remember we use our walking feet and inside voices, right?
Inside the library: *Toddler immediately runs and yells*
You’re very well intentioned, Internet, but you’re also full of it.
OMG! This one is such a funny read. Thanks for that. So nicely written. All of the above applies to me too. Life with a 2 yr old!
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Hahaha This is HILARIOUS! If throwing clothes OUT of the dresser and onto the floor counts as putting clothes away, my toddler has nailed that one LOL…Also never heard of the food in a wrap idea. Thanks!
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Oh yes, my little guy has that one down, along with emptying the cabinet under the bathroom sink. Big help. 😉
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Pingback: Reblog: The Internet has lied to me. | Making Time For Me
Hilarious! I had four…..there was no “internet” to run to or anybody else to ask…so I just raised them “by the seat of my pants.”
I discovered that what works for you as a mom…..works. 🙂
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Yes, I think we would be better off with a little less internet and a little more seat-of-the-pants-ing!!! Because for every good internet article about a topoc, you can find an equally well written one with the opposite information. Lol
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How true. The pioneer women and even our parents didn’t have the “internet” to help them parent. They just did it! LOL
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At the great age of 61 I have YET to learn how to be quiet in a library. You are doing good to have that toddler even try…….lol Thanks for the laughter and the memories of my own little monsters…oh, read “children” there please.
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Haha ‘monsters’, ‘minions’, ‘terrors’.. All translates to ‘children’ automatically. 😉
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Urgh so true – I have one of those toddlers. Mind you, the tree thing did work (like he eats anything that looks like a tree) but everything else is a bit of a sham! 😛
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Haha. I would just be like “Here’s some potato! It’s like a fallen tree than has landed in a pile!”
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The most recent parenting lies provided for me by the internet are on how to get my children to sleep. There is not a website or help for a mom with three children, who I am sure plan their non-sleeping rotation while I am in the shower. Again, thank you for your hilarious and truthful insight.
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Oh so true. Because it is impossible to get a toddler to sleep whike a baby is screaming, or put that baby down while the toddler is stomping around in the hallway yelling MOMMMMYYY. And I only have two. With three I would just give them sleepy medicine. Lol
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My biggest problem with noise comes from my biggest kid (my husband). He doesn’t understand how getting ice and turning up the ball game on TV is a bad thing after the kids are in bed.
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Haha, thanks a lot internet. Glad to know we are not alone. 🙂
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I love this! Thank you for writing and giving your experiences. I try to hard not to yell, but it’s the only thing that gets any kind of results. I never start out yelling…but that’s usually where it goes.
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It is so hard when they don’t listen! How many times must i calmly repeat myself until I AM NO LONGER CALM!!!
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Exactly!!!!
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I have always wondered if these so called “parenting experts” even actually have kids! Like seriously. I haven’t spoken to a single mother whose toddler eats everything she puts on their plate. And I totally agree that they might say certain chores at certain ages but it really does depend on the kid. I mean hell, my 5 year old has to be told to change her underwear everyday and she argues with me about it EVERY DAMN DAY. Thanks so much for linking up with #momsterslink … I have thoroughly enjoyed laughing and nodding through this entire post.
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You mean my 3 year old will probably still be arguing with me about underwear by the age of 5? That is not reassuring. I read a post today about discipline. You don’t discipline, you just talk to your child about what they did wrong. Yeah, cuz that’ll learn ’em….
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