The Internet Has Lied to Me

I have googled a whole lot of things over the course of my life, but never as much as after I had kids.

I have found great advice on all sorts of topics, such as:

“How long can a baby go without pooping?”

“Is my baby pooping too much?”

“Why is my baby’s poop the colour of mustard?”

I’ve also found many stinking, steaming piles of LIES including the following:

Appropriate Chores For Each Age Group

This article listed some handy tips for 3 year olds to help out at home. It suggested my son was old enough to put away his own clothes.

Nope.

 

Encourage Kids to Eat by Telling Them Their Food Is Something Fun

Examples include calling broccoli ‘trees’ or making a gravy ‘river’ on your mashed potato ‘mountain’. This works great, if you want your children to refer to things by the wrong name and still not eat them. My son just started screaming, “I HATE TREES” when I tried that with his broccoli.

 

Kids Will Eat Anything If You Turn It Into A Wrap

This one is partly true. My kid will eat anything in a wrap… assuming it’s something that he would also eat outside of a wrap. If not, he’ll just unwrap it and remove anything offensive, such as whatever isn’t classified as cheese or meat.

 

Allowing Your Toddler Choices Over Little Things Gives Them a Sense of Control & Prevents Tantrums

Though I do think this is sound advice, this is how it played out in my house:

Me: Would you like to wear the blue shirt or the red one?

Toddler: NOT THE BLUE ONE OR THE RED ONE. I DON’T WANT ANY ONES EVER!

So we’ll call that a fail, then.

 

Make Daily Tasks Into Fun Games to Encourage Cooperation

I tried racing him to the car, and that had him laying down on the ground screaming that he “can’t run good”, so thanks, Internet, but no.

 

Don’t Fight Over Teeth Brushing. Get Your Toddler to ‘Fight the Sugar Bugs’

Me: Ok, open wide, let me clean out all those sugar bugs!

Toddler: The sugar bugs jumped out of my mouth and ran downstairs so we don’t need to brush them out.

(insert enforced teethbrushing screamfest here)

 

Don’t Be So Negative – Adjust Your Phrasing!

This trick encourages use of positive phrases for instruction, such as saying, ‘Walking feet only!’ instead of ‘No running’. This is great in theory, except it usually plays out like this:

“Walking feet only love, we’re inside!”

(two seconds later)

“Remeber walking feet, right? We don’t want to run over the other kids.”

(two more seconds later)

“HEY – walking feet, please.”

(immediately after)

“STOP RUNNING OR ELSE YOU WILL BE IN TIMEOUT UNTIL YOU ARE 25!”

 

Go Over Rules and Expectations of Behaviour BEFORE Arriving at Your Destination

Great idea, right? Kids are better able to take in your directions in a calm, familiar environment, rather than when they are overwhelmed by excitement and stimulation.

Except not.

At home: Okay buddy, we’re going to head to the library now. Remember we use our walking feet and inside voices!

Outside the library: Okay buddy, we’re at the library now. Remember we use our walking feet and inside voices, right?

Inside the library: *Toddler immediately runs and yells*

 

You’re very well intentioned, Internet, but you’re also full of it.