The Internet Has Lied to Me

I have googled a whole lot of things over the course of my life, but never as much as after I had kids.

I have found great advice on all sorts of topics, such as:

“How long can a baby go without pooping?”

“Is my baby pooping too much?”

“Why is my baby’s poop the colour of mustard?”

I’ve also found many stinking, steaming piles of LIES including the following:

Appropriate Chores For Each Age Group

This article listed some handy tips for 3 year olds to help out at home. It suggested my son was old enough to put away his own clothes.20160514_101110

Nope.

 

Encourage Kids to Eat by Telling Them Their Food Is Something Fun

Examples include calling broccoli ‘trees’ or making a gravy ‘river’ on your mashed potato ‘mountain’. This works great, if you want your children to refer to things by the wrong name and still not eat them. My son just started screaming, “I HATE TREES” when I tried that with his broccoli.

 

Kids Will Eat Anything If You Turn It Into A Wrap

This one is partly true. My kid will eat anything in a wrap… assuming it’s something that he would also eat outside of a wrap. If not, he’ll just unwrap it and remove anything offensive, such as whatever isn’t classified as cheese or meat.

 

Allowing Your Toddler Choices Over Little Things Gives Them a Sense of Control & Prevents Tantrums

Though I do think this is sound advice, this is how it played out in my house:

Me: Would you like to wear the blue shirt or the red one?

Toddler: NOT THE BLUE ONE OR THE RED ONE. I DON’T WANT ANY ONES EVER!

So we’ll call that a fail, then.

 

Make Daily Tasks Into Fun Games to Encourage Cooperation

I tried racing him to the car, and that had him laying down on the ground screaming that he “can’t run good”, so thanks, Internet, but no.

 

Don’t Fight Over Teeth Brushing. Get Your Toddler to ‘Fight the Sugar Bugs’

Me:Β Ok, open wide, let me clean out all those sugar bugs!

Toddler: The sugar bugs jumped out of my mouth and ran downstairs so we don’t need to brush them out.

(insert enforced teethbrushing screamfest here)

 

Don’t Be So Negative – Adjust Your Phrasing!

This trick encourages use of positive phrases for instruction, such as saying, ‘Walking feet only!’ instead of ‘No running’. This is great in theory, except it usually plays out like this:

“Walking feet only love, we’re inside!”

(two seconds later)

“Remeber walking feet, right? We don’t want to run over the other kids.”

(two more seconds later)

“HEY – walking feet, please.”

(immediately after)

“STOP RUNNING OR ELSE YOU WILL BE IN TIMEOUT UNTIL YOU ARE 25!”

 

Go Over Rules and Expectations of Behaviour BEFORE Arriving at Your Destination

Great idea, right? Kids are better able to take in your directions in a calm, familiar environment, rather than when they are overwhelmed by excitement and stimulation.

Except not.

At home: Okay buddy, we’re going to head to the library now. Remember we use our walking feet and inside voices!

Outside the library: Okay buddy, we’re at the library now. Remember we use our walking feet and inside voices, right?

Inside the library: *Toddler immediately runs and yells*

 

You’re very well intentioned, Internet, but you’re also full of it.

Domesticated Momster
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21 thoughts on “The Internet Has Lied to Me

  1. Hahaha This is HILARIOUS! If throwing clothes OUT of the dresser and onto the floor counts as putting clothes away, my toddler has nailed that one LOL…Also never heard of the food in a wrap idea. Thanks!

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  2. Pingback: When Googling with a Toddler Goes Wrong via Not a Terrible Mother

  3. Pingback: Reblog: The Internet has lied to me. | Making Time For Me

  4. Hilarious! I had four…..there was no “internet” to run to or anybody else to ask…so I just raised them “by the seat of my pants.”
    I discovered that what works for you as a mom…..works. πŸ™‚

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    • Yes, I think we would be better off with a little less internet and a little more seat-of-the-pants-ing!!! Because for every good internet article about a topoc, you can find an equally well written one with the opposite information. Lol

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  5. At the great age of 61 I have YET to learn how to be quiet in a library. You are doing good to have that toddler even try…….lol Thanks for the laughter and the memories of my own little monsters…oh, read “children” there please.

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  6. Urgh so true – I have one of those toddlers. Mind you, the tree thing did work (like he eats anything that looks like a tree) but everything else is a bit of a sham! πŸ˜›

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  7. The most recent parenting lies provided for me by the internet are on how to get my children to sleep. There is not a website or help for a mom with three children, who I am sure plan their non-sleeping rotation while I am in the shower. Again, thank you for your hilarious and truthful insight.

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    • Oh so true. Because it is impossible to get a toddler to sleep whike a baby is screaming, or put that baby down while the toddler is stomping around in the hallway yelling MOMMMMYYY. And I only have two. With three I would just give them sleepy medicine. Lol

      Liked by 1 person

      • My biggest problem with noise comes from my biggest kid (my husband). He doesn’t understand how getting ice and turning up the ball game on TV is a bad thing after the kids are in bed.

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  8. I have always wondered if these so called “parenting experts” even actually have kids! Like seriously. I haven’t spoken to a single mother whose toddler eats everything she puts on their plate. And I totally agree that they might say certain chores at certain ages but it really does depend on the kid. I mean hell, my 5 year old has to be told to change her underwear everyday and she argues with me about it EVERY DAMN DAY. Thanks so much for linking up with #momsterslink … I have thoroughly enjoyed laughing and nodding through this entire post.

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    • You mean my 3 year old will probably still be arguing with me about underwear by the age of 5? That is not reassuring. I read a post today about discipline. You don’t discipline, you just talk to your child about what they did wrong. Yeah, cuz that’ll learn ’em….

      Liked by 1 person

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