25 Things I Never Thought I’d Hear Myself Say Before I Had A Toddler

As the mother of a toddler, there are many things that come out of my mouth that my pre-motherhood self could never have even dreamed of. Now, they’re so run of the mill I don’t even bat an eye when I say any of the following:

  1. Stop eating the dog food.
  2. Please do not stand in the dog food bowl.
  3. Take that out of your mouth, it’s a pregnancy test and it is not for eating. (For the record, this was un-wrapped but unused!)
  4. Do not put your hands in the toilet.
  5. Dirty diapers are not for playing with.
  6. Please do not pull things out of the garbage.
  7. Are you hitting the dog with your spoon?
  8. I don’t think the dog wants to wear that hat right now.
  9. Here – stop crying, just hold this thermometer.
  10. Here, play with my cell phone.
  11. Here, put my keys in your mouth.
  12. What is on your pants? Is that poo?
  13. We don’t eat diaper cream.
  14. No, shoes do not go in the dog’s water bowl.
  15. What are you doing in the oven drawer?
  16. No – toys do not go in the toilet.
  17. Please put that down. That is mommy’s underwear.
  18. Please take that bra off your head, you are going to strangle yourself in those straps.
  19. Fingers out of the dog’s nose, please.
  20. Pass me that knife and I’ll let you play with this spoon instead.
  21. Stop running in the house! STOP! You have poop on your foot!
  22. Sticks aren’t for eating.
  23. Ew, don’t eat that. Once something goes in the garbage it stays in the garbage.
  24. Sticks do not go up noses.
  25. No, that’s not a duck, that’s a chicken. No, wait, it has webbed feet. It’s a goose, maybe? Ah whatever, let’s just go with duck.

 

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